It was brought to my attention yesterday by Brew Studs, that there are two gentlemen in San Diego that are suing MillerCoors for advertising Blue Moon as a “craft beer” (read the full story here). One could argue the merits of such a lawsuit, or whether it is actually a good thing for the craft beer community, but I’m not going to do that. My mind has been enveloped by the idea that you can sue a macrobrewery for crap that you don’t like! If I had only known this sooner…
I would sue Corona for fraudulent pricing. When you buy a six pack of Corona Extra or Corona Light you might see a price tag of $5.99 or so, but that’s not the real price. Everyone knows you can’t drink one of those things without a lime, and therefore the price is more when you factor in the price of buying limes. It’s the equivalent of a coffee shop selling you a coffee and then making you pay extra for cream or sugar. Also, what is the “extra” in Corona Extra, because I can tell you it’s certainly not limes!
I would sue Coors Light for making a defective product. Coors Light produces a beer that you can only drink once the bottle or can changes color (to blue) indicating that the beer is cold enough. Beer is a beverage, and should be able to be consumed within a range of normal temperatures. If I don’t wait until it’s cold enough, will I become ill? Will I be forced to ride that Silver Bullet Train full of douchebags to work instead of using my own car? Will Jean-Claude Van Damme show up at my house and kick the bottle out of my hand just in time? I’d better not risk it.
I would sue Beck’s for calling Beck’s Premier Light a “beer”. Sure, it comes in beer cans and green bottles, but it only has 64 calories and an ABV of 2.3%. We’re talking about a beer here, not what you can squeeze out of a bar mat at the end of the night (although that might taste better). Aren’t there some kind of minimum scientific standards for what constitutes a “beer”? Could I add a teaspoon of cheap vodka and some melted-down circus peanuts to a glass of water and call it “beer”? What if I aged it for 4 weeks in an old bucket? It would have more than 64 calories and a higher ABV than 2.3%. I think I just accidentally created the recipe for Beck’s SUper Ultra Extra Premium Light.
The way I’ve got the wheels of justice moving they may have just gotten a DUI.