If a MacroBeer is bothering you, just sue them.

It was brought to my attention yesterday by Brew Studs, that there are two gentlemen in San Diego that are suing MillerCoors for advertising Blue Moon as a “craft beer” (read the full story here). One could argue the merits of such a lawsuit, or whether it is actually a good thing for the craft beer community, but I’m not going to do that. My mind has been enveloped by the idea that you can sue a macrobrewery for crap that you don’t like! If I had only known this sooner…

I would sue Corona for fraudulent pricing. When you buy a six pack of Corona Extra or Corona Light you might see a price tag of $5.99 or so, but that’s not the real price. Everyone knows you can’t drink one of those things without a lime, and therefore the price is more when you factor in the price of buying limes. It’s the equivalent of a coffee shop selling you a coffee and then making you pay extra for cream or sugar. Also, what is the “extra” in Corona Extra, because I can tell you it’s certainly not limes!

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I would sue Coors Light for making a defective product. Coors Light produces a beer that you can only drink once the bottle or can changes color (to blue) indicating that the beer is cold enough. Beer is a beverage, and should be able to be consumed within a range of normal temperatures. If I don’t wait until it’s cold enough, will I become ill? Will I be forced to ride that Silver Bullet Train full of douchebags to work instead of using my own car? Will Jean-Claude Van Damme show up at my house and kick the bottle out of my hand just in time? I’d better not risk it.

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I would sue Beck’s for calling Beck’s Premier Light a “beer”. Sure, it comes in beer cans and green bottles, but it only has 64 calories and an ABV of 2.3%. We’re talking about a beer here, not what you can squeeze out of a bar mat at the end of the night (although that might taste better). Aren’t there some kind of minimum scientific standards for what constitutes a “beer”? Could I add a teaspoon of cheap vodka and some melted-down circus peanuts to a glass of water and call it “beer”? What if I aged it for 4 weeks in an old bucket? It would have more than 64 calories and a higher ABV than 2.3%. I think I just accidentally created the recipe for Beck’s SUper Ultra Extra Premium Light.

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Lastly, I would sue Budweiser for creating Chelada (the Budweiser/Bud Light & Clamato mixture). I’m not sure on what grounds I could sue, but its existence is offensive.

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The way I’ve got the wheels of justice moving they may have just gotten a DUI.